Tuesday, December 17, 2013

American Horror Story: Coven Recap Episode 9 "Head" by Maxwell Kale

Ok guys, this episode of "American Horror Story: Coven" called “Head." Let’s hope its good and not lousy!

It begins in the 1990s with a young hank going hunting with his hick dad. With the popularity of this show quickly waning (and for good reason) one can assume perhaps this is a sad attempt to leech off the "Duck Dynasty" ratings. Then a shock that fools no one they are actually witch hunters. Hank then runs into his first witch but like all virgins he has no clue what he is doing and fails to shoot her. The witch then shoots his dad and his dad retaliates and kills her. Hank’s father than deeply tells him never forget who he is and that witch killing is in his blood.

Fiona then decides to make a little pit stop at Angela Bassett's salon with the head of Kathy Bates of course. She then tells Angela that she no longer hates her and has decided they should strike up an alliance because none of these idiot witches can take down one human hunter all on their own. Kathy Bates then flips out on Fiona for asking for help from a black chick and Fiona then stuff a rag into her racist mouth. Angela then goes on to laugh and declines Fiona’s attempt at making a super friends of useless witches. Little does Fiona know Angela hired the witch hunter right from the begging!
Then the head mistress goes on and whines about being blind. She dramatically bumps into things and drops them. A few episodes into being blind it just dawned upon her that being blind sucks! Mrytle of course offers to fix this if only she could.

Then we sick Hank the witch hunter is still working with his dad and living up to being a failure. His dad has taken this witch hunting act on the road and expanded. His dad then scolds him for being dreadful at his job and how he should just watch and not act up by killing witches. If only we cared about this character. Hank all of a sudden cares about his estranged witch wife and doesn’t want to kill her. Feelings that have never been shown before in this entire show. Myrtle then decides it’s time to throw an epic party! So of course she makes sure to invite the two bitches that sold her out and got her killed. In the middle of the festivities she poisons those traitors and steals their eye balls to give to the head mistress. Talk about being in the mood for gift giving season!

So the head mistress gets her eyes back but sadly she now has two different color eyes. Finally something interesting about this character! Even though it is only a physical attribute at least she looks cooler. But alas gasp! With the return of her regular sight her second sight is gone!
Then Zoe and Madison go to collect Nan from the hospital as she visits the incredibly hot neighbor Luke. Luke’s crazy mom then of course flips out. Nan then speaks to Luke in a coma in a very touching scene. Ryan Murphy really should of used The Smith’s song “Girlfriend In A Coma” right here. Queenie then decides to give Kathy Bates a film education in black cinema. This, of course causes her to flip out. I mean who really can sit through "The Color Purple" except for Oprah?
Next we see Hank feel violently ill. In comes Angela’s assistant warning hank he is doing a terrible job at being a witch hunter. If only she went after the writers like this we’d have a better show! None the less he hands Hank a phone and Angela says she is going to murder him if he doesn’t get her some white witch heads anytime soon.

Mean while the mistress and that whacky Stevie Nicks wannabe Misty make a special potion to protect them from evil. This potion also happens to bring back dead plants. Hank then makes a return and asks for the head mistress to take him back. We saw a few episodes ago that she saw that he is a murderer but alas she doesn’t remember this and just tells him to go. He then bumps into the dog they bought for protection. Fiona sees this and wishes him well on his way out. What is wrong with these dumb witches? I swear they knew who he was only A FEW episodes ago! Nonetheless the dog then starts barking and is seen to have been killed by zombie Kyle only moments later. The girls then return from the hospital and find Kyle is a tad more functional. Turns out Fiona fixed him up a bit. Maybe he will become somewhat relevant to the story only with like three episodes left. Just maybe.
Next we see Hank go on a murdering spree at the black witch coven’s house. He shoots everyone he sees and shoots Queenie. He then goes to shot Angela Bassett but then his head explodes because Queenie used her own powers on him and shot herself in the head thus exploding his head in the process.

We then see Luke awake from his coma and accuse his mom of killing his father. A character we of course don’t care about because he is even less developed than Luke is. She then of course trys to murder him. Yawn. Then as you guessed it a washed up Angela Bassett crawls up to Fiona begging for her help. Looks like the diva one this round!

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